More from the Rock Star Mum
PLAYER DAN AND I’M A GOOD GIRL TAMARA
We wake up to a disappointed Dan as Tamara hasn’t put out “she’s playing hard to get and has known me for nearly 24 hours which is weird”itsfasterinclubs butiamagoodgirl
Nobody has told Dan that being called an “Intruder” doesn’t actually mean his peen has replica louis vuitton bags to intrude on Tamara’s foofa immediately. It’s actually different from the “intruders” porn movie he just finished watching but it’s so easy to get the confuseddebbiediddallasstraightawaythoughright
The Producers staged some romance to try and get Tamara to literally ‘open up’ and she was “nahhhh, as much as I’d replica louis vuitton handbags like to fake designer bags shag on camera with old Mr Pants Man replica louis vuitton handbags , the answer is no”
By the third morning Player Dan is walking funny as his third leg keeps getting in the way. “WTF? I Designer Louis Vuitton Replica Handbags showed her I was willing to wear a condom and everythingso much for being an Intruder ffs”
They receive a Honeymoon Box and the first question is “How many sexual partners have you had” and Tamara was like “ummm, no f off, not answering that” and I automatically started guiltily counting my numbers in my headfarknobodyshouldeverplaythatgame then we got the “what’s the hardest thing you’ve been through?” and I nodded off during their tearssohardbeingasingledadandapantsman
They have a big romantic dinner and Dan is POSITIVE they’ll be having sex tonight but when Tamara ate ALL three courses replica louis vuitton bags , I was like “nope. Not a chance. You Fake Louis Vuitton Replica Bags eat like that there’s a chance of a random fart high quality designer replica handbags when you’re legs are in the air. No chance of sex for you Dan, ya big mad rooter”oopsadaisymusthavebeenafrog whatisthatsmell
NERVOUS BILLY AND SUSIE AND HER LONG EFFING EYELASHES
Billy thinks it’s awesome to give out compliments every second of the day. In theory, yes Billy. In reality SHUT TF UP BILLY, IT IS ANNOYING AS S! Susie has started developing replica louis vuitton a nervous cheap replica handbags eye twitch from all the compliments and, with her eyelashes, I find it really disturbing to watch her slapping the s out of her forehead.blinkandknockout
Susie decides to ask Billy “why are you so awkward and such a fing dweeb?” and Billy wasn’t even upset: “Yeah” he said “I can see how disgusted you are when you look at me” WHAT NOW? “ummm, I sure am” responded Susie, “but only because you’re a delicate flower with no balls” Wow, I really thought Nervous Billy was going to become F You Billy butnope. OK, so the lame rumour is that Jess told Martha that “Nic had touched her leg” under the table at dinner. ‘Ohhh, hang on a minute’ I thought, ‘was it with his leg, his peen or his hand?” and Cyrell, being Cyclone Cyrell started to rampage like a crazy rampaging rampager. I never thought she’d fing tell anyone” omgnowwhatdoidolickingherlipsindistress
Cyclone, needing to be medicated by this stage, decides to go and see Martha to sort it out. Martha and Michael, with their whole sexy mini facial thing going on let everyone in. Nic, who by this stage is sting himself too, kept mumbling “I haven’t done anything, I don’t even know whats happening now” as wasn’t sure if Cyrell was going to shank him if he spoke too loudly. Cyrell gets all heavy with Martha fake louis bag , Martha’s like “wtf dude, I’m better than all of you and I was just gossiping ’cause I think you’re a dog”
Again, Nic poops and tries aaa replica designer handbags to speak, Cyrell screams for Nic to STFU and then Cyrell and Martha have a one on one (with an audience) chat. Cyrell, channeling her brother Ivan, unleashes the dragon, the beast, the llama, the turtle AND the crocodile high quality designer replica handbags and pushes Martha, breaks her fruit bowl and actually SWEARS IN FRONT OF THE FRUIT. Martha yells “you’re a germ” and we know this s isn’t done fightfightfightyourmumwillbecrankyyousworeinfrontofthefoodcyrell tsktsktsk
Cyrell explodes at Nic for not sticking up for her, as she’s forgotten she wouldn’t let him speak. Cyrell, for the 9th time, packs her bags and waits out the front of the hotel for Nic to chase after her. Nic, contractually obligated to run after her, makes sure the ACA Cameraman Dave catches all of his desperate concern eyeswereeverywhere
Expert John gets involved and quickly comes to the conclusion that Cyrell has ‘issues’ (thank Christ he’s a psychologist, I would never have been able to tell) and asks her to explain why she’s a bottle of raging issues. ‘Oooh’ I thought ‘it’ll be something deep to make her react like this’ so I fisted my popcorn again and waited for the D MCyrell tearfully explained that she had a guy cheat on her.
Pfffft.’bugger me’ I thought ‘if that’s the case, we’re all fed as Johnny Travers from year 8 kissed another girl behind the toilets on me” I am now going to start losing my s on the daily. ifitpissesyouoffitsgoodforyouareyousureaboutthatexpertjohn
Martha put on her lipgloss in preparation formafsfightclub and Cyrell walked in all smiley and assassin like. Here’s their convo
Cyclone Cyrell: I’m sorry that I got angry and I’m sorry that I think you’re a two faced, vacuous, ball breaking, fake arsed Kimmy K farkin wannabe
Kimmy K Martha: Oh my gawd, you’re not sorry at all. You broke my fruit bowl you germ.
Cyclone Cyrell: Yeah, I’m not BEEP sorry but John the BEEP Expert said I had to BEEP apologise and I wanted to say it in BEEP front of the food as well.
Cyrell then speaks directly to the the bananas/apples/sweet potatoes in the fruit bowl: I’m genuinely sorry to you all for bruising your souls. I was taught better than swearing in front of you.bananasacceptapology sweetpotatoesnotsomuch
Kimmy K Martha tries to muster up a pissed off scowl and shows Cyrell the door before telling ACA 1:1 replica handbags “It’s like she’s been brought up in a zoo” and I thought “Louis Vuitton Supreme Ivan is going to f. You. Up” Kimmy isn’t done and saves the year 9 insult used on her and looks directly into the camera, head angled, chin up just right and says deadpan (or maybe it wasn’t deadpan, who tf can tell anymore) onecannevertellwhenyourebotoxedtothehilt.